a boy like me is told
he is both nine and ninety
and a boy like me
should shut those books
join the army
and a boy like me
would never be seen
fighting for peace
i want total chaos
and a holiday home in the east

and a boy like me
should know much better than
to raise his flag in stormy weather
i just can't get enough electric shocks
i wanna buy a lighthouse
and ride a giraffe on the rocks

i don't give up

i want two dogs
two cats
a big kitchen
and a welcome mat

i want all this
and all i shall have
oh no, i don't give up

a boy like me
don't ever give up
give up his dream
no

- a boy like me
patrick wolf
from the album "lycanthropy"

it's been a while since I wrote here.

5 months, or so.

a lot can happen in 5 months. a lot did.

but most importantly, HE happened.

I met him in December, didn't care much for him.
apparently, he didn't like me much either.
in fact, he practically loathed me.

arrogant, judgmental, snobbish, condescending.
those were the words he used to describe me in his head when we first met.

shallow, superficial, party boy. no way in hell I could connect with this guy.
those were the words I used to describe him in my head when we first met.

April came. we met again through a mutual friend.
we got to know each other. different words started to pop up in our heads.
we changed our tunes.

now I am with him, and he is with me.

as he has done so many times before, bright eyes is able to articulate my feelings for me, better than I ever could.

the first day of my life

This is the first day of my life
I swear I was born right in the doorway
I went out in the rain suddenly everything changed
They're spreading blankets on the beach

Yours is the first face that I saw
I think I was blind before I met you
Now I don’t know where I am
I don’t know where I’ve been
But I know where I want to go

And so I thought I’d let you know
That these things take forever
I especially am slow
But I realize that I need you
And I wondered if I could come home

Remember the time you drove all night
Just to meet me in the morning
And I thought it was strange you said everything changed
You felt as if you had just woke up
And you said “this is the first day of my life
I’m glad I didn’t die before I met you
But now I don’t care I could go anywhere with you
And I’d probably be happy”

So if you want to be with me
With these things there’s no telling
We just have to wait and see
But I’d rather be working for a paycheck
Then waiting to win the lottery
Besides maybe this time is different
I mean I really think you like me

which is harder to get over?

a love you once had but lost?

or a love that you wanted but never had a chance to have?

went to see a bunch of indie bands perform at soho music plaza semanggi with Mikey und Poetri tonight.

a couple of okay bands.

none earthshaking. or anywhere near even a slight tremor.

a bunch of really bad rip-off bands.

and enough ego and pretention to sink a frigging ship.

by ship I mean Titanic size.

underfed (but yummy) indie bois with their noses so far up in the air, they must be inhaling jet fumes.
and indie girls. of the suicide kind, and of the lollipop colors kind.

seriously. if you people made better music, the attitude would be somewhat acceptable.

but your music was run of the mill at best.

and not a single original sound in the house.

the company I was with made up for it. I did run into Ari from work. she's cool.

Then Mikey, Poetri and I went for food and talked til about 2.

that was my night.

I couldn't sleep.

Those who know me, know that this is news older than Jesus.

But tonight, my insomnia had a twist.

I went for a walk. alone.

This is something that I haven't done in a long time.

I spent the entire day at home in front of my computer, writing a the beginning of a story that has been waiting to escape my brain for a long time now.
Upon exhausting my brain in the creative department for today, I found myself panicking.

I had cancelled a night out in order to write. And when the objective was met, I was at a lost as to what to do. All of my usual night owl phone friends were otherwise engaged (Dayu and several hot French High School boys at Manna Lounge. Enough said).

I found myself in a position that I fear most.

I was alone.

This is something I'm not good at, this is not something that I allow myself to do very often.

When I am alone, my thoughts and over-active mind head only in one direction: me.

I start to pick myself apart, I become overtly judgmental towards myself and curse myself for every mistake I've ever made, every wrong thing I've ever said.

I examine my feelings, my heart goes under a knife and magnifying glass.
and things get messy.

Basically I turn into a pathetic male adolescent Virgo stereotype.

But tonight, things were different.

After the initial anxiety attack, I let myself go.

I decided to take me for a walk.

I grabbed my cigarettes, my walkman, put in a cd I had burned to help me write (containing Aimee Mann, Michael Penn, Gin Blossoms, Death Cab For Cutie, The Beta Band and The Reindeer Section), and I walked out the door.

As Ben Gibbard contemplatively voiced the opening lines of "Passenger Seat", I move one foot in front of the other and start letting my mind wander back through the last two tweeks or so.

The tsunami in Aceh and all the lives devastated and my momentary desire to hop on a plane to Aceh and volunteer. That desire quelled by the realization that I would be of no use to anyone there. I've cried so much and found myself horrified at the images I saw on TV, there was no way that I could be strong enough to see that in person. My heart just cannot withstand that much pain. Nor am I strong enough to give the victims there the comfort that they need. So I decided to do what I can from here. I gave money, I helped on a translation project of a book on tsunami-proof architecture and rebuilding after one hits, this project was spurred on by a local NGO. It doesn't sound enough, does it? I know it's not. But it's all I feel able to do, besides offer my prayers.

The film shoot in Anyer, the learning experience of being let down by a trusted friend, and finding out which friends that I can pretty much depend my life upon. The ensuing night in the cottage bedroom with Dayu, Rizal, and Kenny. The seemingly stupid (but precious and memorable) game of truth or dare fueled by exhaustion and insomnia.

I won't go into detail as to what happened during the shoot, it's too exhausting, but I'll say this:

Mandy and Ismet, you two are rocks. Solid, dependable, cool-headed. The most valuable friends (and collaborators) anyone can ask for. Your kindnesses will not be forgotten for as long as I live. You have my friendship for life, come hell or high water. And Mandy: you, my dear mumsy are an Uber-Producer! the coolest I've ever worked with, and an Uber-Mumsy too!

Dayu: my sweet little sister, you are joy personified. Your positive glow and constant calming cheerfulness just permeates and touches everyone around you for the better. Furrowed brows and tense situations just seem to fade when you're around. I love you Sis. There is nothing that this brother of yours won't do for you that is within his power to do.

Rizal and Agung: a wonderful cast, a patient cast, professional to the hilt and just damn cool human beings. Agung, your "namanya Ranti"s made me laugh and kept me from cracking. Dude, you rock.

Daniel: thanks dude. you were professional, seemingly tireless and just plain cool. It's a damn honor to work with you. I'd do so again in half a heartbeat.

And dear adorable (or is it adorkable? :-p) Kenny: Thank you for being there. Thank you for the friendly jabs, thanks for the jokes, the movie talk, and the hilarious direct translations of my english (I swear I'll make a bigger effort to formulate my thoughts in Bahasa Indonesia). You and Dayu share that blessed quality of permeating joy and calmness to those around you. I'm glad I met you, you truly are a wonderful soul and a real friend.

about 30 minutes had passed since I started walking, I decided to make my way back home. Beta Band's "Dry the Rain" started playing, and I step into a puddle of water left from this evening's rain. I couldn't help letting out a smile at this.

I start to think why am I so damn afraid to let my thoughts carry me. I don't even attempt to answer that. Why ruin a good thing by, yet again, analyzing the unnecessary?

I enjoyed spending time being with me. I will do this more often. I'm not afraid of it anymore.

to those of you who actually read through the end of this long rambling entry, thanks for the patience, I just had to let it out.

Now maybe I can sleep.

*laughs*

yeah right.

Happy New Year everyone!

You are a French Guard! You love nothing better
than to torment the silly English
Knnnniggits...even if your insults don't make
much sense--You tiny brained wiper of other
people's bottoms!

Which Monty Python & the Holy Grail Character are you REALLY?
brought to you by Quizilla

You're the Cure. Popular amongst goths, despite
Robert's protestations that the Cure isn't a
goth band. You're nice, although the Aquanet
fumes may be going to your head.

What Goth Band Are You?
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JIFFest is done.

It went well.

Very few hitches.

All the JP reviews were written and submitted before the deadlines.

All is calm.


yeah right.